There comes a time in every man’s life when he realizes that he is not necessarily at the top of the food chain. All kinds of animals are above us. To quote Wizard of Oz, “Lions and Tigers and Bears…” Well there is one person that hasn’t come to that realization. That’s because he doesn’t need to.

His name is Timothy Hutvagner- THut for short. When I say that he is a big scary animal, I’m not kidding. I once saw him kill a deer with his bear bare hands and then eat it raw. Coyotes do that stuff, not humans.

Every good super hero has his or her own ‘attribute’ that they are known for. Spider Man has his web, Batman has his Batmobile. THut has his point. It’s not a point like “Oh my gosh, I think that is where I puked after the bars last night”. It’s more a “YOU! STFU or I’ll kill you!” point. Examples below…

Please, should you come in contact with this hairy beast, do not go near him. He will try to ‘woo’ you with his smile, but be warned, those are the same teeth that ate the deer. Much like the general zoo warning of “Please don’t feed the animals”, I am telling you “Please don’t give THut any alcohol”. It will only increase the already agitated state of THut. I have seen some of the rage I just described. THut was cornered in an open lot while drinking of his beloved Coors Light. An unfortunate soul knelt behind the monster while another mortal pushed him. I compared the movement to the Washington Monument falling and causing a 7.6 earthquake. Needless to say, neither of them are with us today. After he was done with them, he took his rage out on a bag of charcoal. I think he may have been confused (he buys bags and bags of dead squirrels in a bag that is quite similar to the charcoal bag).

To sum things up, THut is not a nice person. He will destroy your self-esteem, make you pee your pants in front of your friends, then eat your insides. If he is hungry, he’ll come back for more.

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED