In the past couple days I’ve been doing some reminiscing, you know, looking at facebook pictures and stuff. I realized that I am extremely lucky to be alive today. I got on the wrong side of THut and I lived to tell about it (don’t they have a show like that on Discovery Channel or something?). Let me explain.

THut wanted to hang out with me one Thirsty Thursday. I told him I didn’t think I had time because I had to finish my senior research project. He goes “I’ll take care of it…”. Five minutes later, I get a knock on my door from a kid dressed as a clock. He had a big black eye and was crying. I asked him what happened and he simply said, “THut kept saying, ‘I don’t care about time’ and then he bitched slapped me”.

I didn’t want to be bitch slapped so I decided to go out with him. He took me to a nice Japanese place because, as Thut put it, “Rice is my faaaavorite”. Rice wasn’t good enough for THut though so he decide to eat a bald eagle. “I want to be the symbol of freedom”, he said. Then he realized he was a hypocrit because of the three Asian slaves he owns. “Did you know it takes them 14 hours to make enough fabric for my right bicep?” “Oh, that’s nice”, I said back, trying to hide my fear.

It was about that time that THut wanted to get back to the room, but he didn’t have a girl to bring with him. One thing I learned is that THut takes his sex life very seriously. Girls don’t choose to have sex with THut, rather he chooses them. Every time THut has an orgasm, God doesn’t kill a kitten… THut does. It is his tradition apparently.

I had to leave before the animal sacrifice but there are a few more things I learned about THut.
THut has the same gravitational pull as the moon.
THut invented the cotton gin, then gave it to Eli Whitney so Eli could take credit for it.
THut discovered a pattern to pi — then he ate it.

Please share your THut stories so that we may all benefit from these teachings.

There comes a time in every man’s life when he realizes that he is not necessarily at the top of the food chain. All kinds of animals are above us. To quote Wizard of Oz, “Lions and Tigers and Bears…” Well there is one person that hasn’t come to that realization. That’s because he doesn’t need to.

His name is Timothy Hutvagner- THut for short. When I say that he is a big scary animal, I’m not kidding. I once saw him kill a deer with his bear bare hands and then eat it raw. Coyotes do that stuff, not humans.

Every good super hero has his or her own ‘attribute’ that they are known for. Spider Man has his web, Batman has his Batmobile. THut has his point. It’s not a point like “Oh my gosh, I think that is where I puked after the bars last night”. It’s more a “YOU! STFU or I’ll kill you!” point. Examples below…

Please, should you come in contact with this hairy beast, do not go near him. He will try to ‘woo’ you with his smile, but be warned, those are the same teeth that ate the deer. Much like the general zoo warning of “Please don’t feed the animals”, I am telling you “Please don’t give THut any alcohol”. It will only increase the already agitated state of THut. I have seen some of the rage I just described. THut was cornered in an open lot while drinking of his beloved Coors Light. An unfortunate soul knelt behind the monster while another mortal pushed him. I compared the movement to the Washington Monument falling and causing a 7.6 earthquake. Needless to say, neither of them are with us today. After he was done with them, he took his rage out on a bag of charcoal. I think he may have been confused (he buys bags and bags of dead squirrels in a bag that is quite similar to the charcoal bag).

To sum things up, THut is not a nice person. He will destroy your self-esteem, make you pee your pants in front of your friends, then eat your insides. If he is hungry, he’ll come back for more.

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED