The new talk of the reality show world is MTV’s Jersey Shore, a show  that follows self-described “guidos” or “guidettes” in their summer on the Jersey Shore. Think The Real World with only Italians.

Before I tell you why the countdown is on, let me first say I can’t stand this show. The people on the show ridiculous stereotypes of Italian-Americans. The guys are all muscleheads and the girls all have big boobs. They have no regard for anyone but themselves.

I’ve been to Italy twice, I’ve never once seen a person there act like these buffoons do. People don’t have orange skin. People don’t drink til they puke or fight every other person. The “Italian culture” you claim to be so proud of is nothing more than a made up fantasy world you live in.

Numerous groups have called for a boycott of the show and of its advertisers. The voices are getting so loud that Domino’s Pizza has dropped its sponsorship of the show earlier today. New York Post critic Lisa Stansi correctly states, “Would that programming ever have been allowed if the group were African-Americans, Asians, Hispanics, Jewish people?”

All this being said, I saw what could be described as one of the funniest things on TV. This is why the countdown has begun. On what could be called a season recap, I stumbled upon this little nugget of goodness. I can’t wait until the full episode airs so I can Tivo it forever.

I want to preface this by saying I never condone domestic violence. What Chris Brown did to Rihanna is horrible and disgusting. This isn’t domestic violence. This is a girl learning that she needs to keep her mouth shut and not talk sh!t to the wrong people, because there are guys that will hit you.

ENJOY!

Buona notte puttana!

There are reports that the spokeperson for ShamWow and Slap Chop, Vincent Schlomi, has been arrested. Not for soliciting a minor, as I predicted in my previous article. Instead, Mr. S. Wow was arrested for punching a hooker four times in the face.

Smoking Gun reports:

According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miama Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she “propositioned him for straight sex.” Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly “bit his tongue and would not let go.” Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue.

Apparently Vince went to Miami and was away from all his groupies. I guess he did what any other washed-up infomercial star would do… he hired a hooker.

It seems like a pretty open and shut case until you look at the mugshot.

If you punch a hooker four times for biting your tongue, why do you have injuries that look like you fought Kimbo Slice?

Bail was set at $19.95… but wait!

Shocking Update: A certain nurse friend of mine has brought it to my attention that the ’shirt’ Vince is wearing is actually a hospital gown. The print is called snowflakes. Geeze, this story keeps getting better by the second. Nothing like getting hospitalized from getting your ass kicked by a hooker.

Did you go to high school with Miley Cyrus? Perhaps you were in a movie with Adam Sandler? I’m sure you have a story, and I found a perfect place for you to share it.

A friend of mine recently created a website that is all about people sharing their own stories of celebrity encounters. The site is called CelebShowAndTell. If you want to read of people’s brushes with stars such as Liberace, Sonny Bono, Whoopi Goldberg, or Tim Russert (I got a chance to meet him too…), this is the place to go.

My personal favorite is Jesse’s meeting with Shaquille O’Neal (<–check out the link). Anyway, I encourage all of you to visit the site and share your story about meeting someone famous.

You may even find a story I’ve submitted…

As far as I can tell, I am one of the first in the entire universe to cover this breaking news. The lovable Michael Cera, who starred in such movies as Superbad and Juno, apparently cries like a 4-year old when the director confronts him with “behavioral issues”. My favorite part of the movie is when he says “I respect you, but you’re amateurs! 100% of the crew is amateurs and if this movie is worth watching it’ll be a f*cking miracle! Cause it will be the first time in history that a movie made by amateurs was, uh, any good at all.”

I made up a joke perfect for this situation… I’ve been saving it for years.

Do you want some cheese with that whine??? Ha Ha get it? Cheese and wine… anyway, the video is below.

Thanks to LiveLeak

Ok so I saw the new Bond movie last night, Quantum of Solace, and I was thoroughly impressed. However, during the movie, I couldn’t help but to think which one of these action movie heroes is the most badass overall.

Here is my breakdown of the what I’m scoring them on…

I’m going to score the contestants in six categories: fighting skills, spy organization, technology (including cars), calm under pressure, escapability (including chase scenes), and traveling the world.

Fighting Skills

Jason Bourne fights in many different styles, but the most prominent ones are Filipino Kali and Jeet Kune Do. Kali is a fighting style that teaches people to fight with everyday objects, like ballpoint pens and rolled up newspapers. That’s right… newspapers. And he still killed the guy.

James Bond learned Judo in the British Navy before he joined MI6. Judo is a form of martial arts that temporarily disables an opponent by using painful choke, strangle, and armholds. Disables… doesn’t kill.

Winner:

Bourne takes this one hands down. Kali is one of the most dangerous fighting styles in the world, and Bourne is someone who’s perfected it.

Spy Organization
Bourne worked for the CIA, where he received most of his training. Now he just spends most of his time cleaning up the CIA’s mistakes and running from them. Even when he tries to stay out of the limelight, the CIA finds him. I guess there’s no messing with the US of A.

Bond wourks (see what I did there?) for MI6, also known as the Secret Intelligence Service (SIS). Although they aren’t as old as the CIA, they are just as prestigious. And they have a much cooler looking building than the Pentagon.

Winner:

Bond worksfor the MI6; he isn’t being hunted by them like the CIA is hunting Bourne.

Technology
In all the Bourne movies, the technology he uses can be purchased by everyday Joe’s. This includes his fancy phone GPS tracker thing that he used in Morocco. Most of the technology is used against Bourne though. His enemies are using satellites and surveillance cameras to catch him; Bourne uses his head, a rail schedule, and a map to get away. No fancy cars (unless he steals one), no first class jets… perhaps Bourne’s greatest asset is his brain?

Bond always has the most ridiculously awesome gadgets. Since the list could go forever, I will concentrate only on the Quantum of Solace. Bond’s camera phone has identification imagery built into the stunningly sharp (15+ MP) camera. Any photos are immediately uploaded to the MI6 main network for information on the person. At the MI6 HQ, they have a wall/desk that would make Chuck Todd, with his touch screen electoral map, jealous. The Aston Martin Bond drives is worth an estimated $200,000 a car. No need for lame pickup lines when you roll up to a party with those wheels.

Winner:

The car alone is enough for Bond to win, but add on the cell phone and Bond becomes the Bill Gates of Spy Tech.

Calm Under Pressure
Bourne uses his head to think of plans on the go. The unexpected doesn’t scare Bourne because he uses it to his advantage. For example, when Bourne is in Spain, he manages to knock two guys out (go figure), escape the police, and formulate an idea within a span of three minutes. Not bad for a guy on the run.

Bond uses his beloved “shaken-not stirred” martini to calm him down. Not to mention the Bond’s women. I guess it’s easy to be calm when you’re a pimp?

Winner:

Bourne takes this one, but only by a hair. While an occasional drink is ok, using it to calm you down is a sign of an alcoholic. Consider AA Bond.

Escapability

Bourne is known for escaping out of ALL situations. Whether it is a car chase through lower Manhattan or foot chases through London’s train station, Bourne has a knack for slipping just out of reach.

Bond, in his latest flick, uses all forms of transportation to get away. Forget the exciting first scene with the Aston Martin car chase, this movie offers not only a boat chase, but a AIRPLANE dogfight too. I was half expecting for 007 to steal a horse from il Palio in Siena. Nah, just a foot chase on the roofs. And what doesn’t Bond know how to drive?

Winner:

Good job Bond. When you use a fishing boat and bi-prop plane to get away, you win at everything forever.

Traveling the World
Bourne knows upwards of seven different languages, has more passports than fingers, and can get from one end of Europe to the other in less than a day. Bourne blends in with many of the cultures that he goes to.

Bond travels just as much as Bourne does, but doesn’t blend in at all. That’s not his style. Even in Quantum, he is taken to a hotel that looks like a shithole to ‘not attract any attention’ and ‘add to the character’. Does he stay there? Nah… he goes to the Ritz-Carlton looking hotel.

Winner:

Bourne is like a Google Map in his mind. And he doesn’t use anyone else’s help to get where he is going.

Here is a recap of everything…

Fighting: Bourne
Organization: Bond
Technology: Bond
Calm under pressure: Bourne
Escapability: Bond
Traveling: Bourne

Score is currently tied 3-3, but since there are no ties…

Overall Most Badass Action Actor:

Bourne is the ultimate spy agent. Although he doesn’t score the same amount of ladies as Bond, he gets his fair share. I think Bourne would win The Amazing Race, Survivor, Temptation Island, I Love New York, and I Want To Be Paris’ BFF, all at the same time. That is how crazy awesome he is.

Regardless how you feel about how I scored things, let it be known that I wouldn’t mess with either of these guys. Unless I was the director. In which case I wouldn’t be scared.

Some random person decided to dress up as Amy Winehouse for Halloween. It almost seems too easy.

If I ever met this person, I’d shake their hand and say “Job Well Done”. The attention to the makeup, the messed up teeth… this person went all out for —

Wait, what? Ummm really? Ok, well apparently this is Amy Winehouse. I don’t know what to say.

When I first heard the news about Jennifer Hudson and three of her family members getting murdered, I thought “Who’s Jennifer Hudson?” I honestly had no idea about who she was, but I really felt an honest sense of hurt for her. I can’t imagine losing three relatives at the same time out of the blue.

The “person of interest” (see: guilty as hell) is William Balfour. Balfour is was on parole for a 1999 conviction of attempted murder. I wish I knew how much time he actually did because that would piss me off that he was a free man. Regardless of that previous conviction, Balfour was picked up on June 19th for having rock cocaine in his car. (Having never done drugs but watching lots of Cops and Reno 911, I am fairly confident that this is a pretty hardcore drug). Anyway, his parole wasn’t revoked at that time. I thought parole was for good behavior.

My good friend Tim Hutvagner always says people should have fair trials and everything, but let’s be honest, this guy is guilty. 

If Balfour is convicted of murdering Hudson’s relatives, we should create a new type of death penalty for him. Maybe since he also had the attempted murder charge we’ll put him in front of a firing squad and all the shooters miss. Then we’ll sit him down in the electric chair, flip the switch, let him shake for 30 seconds, then get the George Clooney paddles and shock him back to life. When he comes to, make sure he is alert and speaking, then give him switch for good. Maybe that will teach him.

For real though, my prayers go out to Jennifer Hudson’s family.