I’m sitting in my room watching football. You know, flipping between games on different stations so I don’t lose a minute of precious football. While on my TV channel journey, I have to pass over NBC.

Ice skating? For real? Hmmm do I wanna watch grown men knock the hell out of each other or watch Brian Biotano in tights spin to the music of Cinderella.

I’ll take my Steelers anyday.

There comes a time in every man’s life when he realizes that he is not necessarily at the top of the food chain. All kinds of animals are above us. To quote Wizard of Oz, “Lions and Tigers and Bears…” Well there is one person that hasn’t come to that realization. That’s because he doesn’t need to.

His name is Timothy Hutvagner- THut for short. When I say that he is a big scary animal, I’m not kidding. I once saw him kill a deer with his bear bare hands and then eat it raw. Coyotes do that stuff, not humans.

Every good super hero has his or her own ‘attribute’ that they are known for. Spider Man has his web, Batman has his Batmobile. THut has his point. It’s not a point like “Oh my gosh, I think that is where I puked after the bars last night”. It’s more a “YOU! STFU or I’ll kill you!” point. Examples below…

Please, should you come in contact with this hairy beast, do not go near him. He will try to ‘woo’ you with his smile, but be warned, those are the same teeth that ate the deer. Much like the general zoo warning of “Please don’t feed the animals”, I am telling you “Please don’t give THut any alcohol”. It will only increase the already agitated state of THut. I have seen some of the rage I just described. THut was cornered in an open lot while drinking of his beloved Coors Light. An unfortunate soul knelt behind the monster while another mortal pushed him. I compared the movement to the Washington Monument falling and causing a 7.6 earthquake. Needless to say, neither of them are with us today. After he was done with them, he took his rage out on a bag of charcoal. I think he may have been confused (he buys bags and bags of dead squirrels in a bag that is quite similar to the charcoal bag).

To sum things up, THut is not a nice person. He will destroy your self-esteem, make you pee your pants in front of your friends, then eat your insides. If he is hungry, he’ll come back for more.

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED

I am thankful for…

• my family (even my brothers)
• Mariolina (my true love) and her family
• brothers of Sigma Chi
• my meteology pals esp Roy Joy
• all my other friends I didn’t name
• Geoff Fox and the folks at WTNH
• my friends at Fin Aid
• relaxation!!!

Within 30 minutes of sending the previous email, I received a response.

This is to inform you that as part of the clearance/verification exercise for payments by the Verifications Dept at the headquarters of the FIDELITY/UNITED NATIONS 2008 SCAM VICTIMS COMPENSATIONS.You have been found credible for scam victim compensation payment of $150,000.00. for proceedings you are to send us the require information for proceedings.

1. Full Names:
2. Date Of Birth:
3. Telephone Number/Fax Number:
4. Total Amount Defrauded (with proof details):
5.Any Mode of identification (Drivers License or work ID)
6. Payment Option (WIRE TRANSFER OR CHECK/DRAFT):
NOTE: You are to take note of option 1&6 respectively.

On the provision of the requirements, your COMPENSATION will be processed on your payment option and remitted to you as soon as possible.

Of course, as a previous victim of scams, I want my damn money. I wrote back…

Mr. Bode,
    Here is my information.

1. Giacomo Connavecchellio
2. March 25, 1974
3.** I currently don’t have a phone because I can’t afford the payment
4. I was defrauded out of $561,000 (Is it my understanding that I’ll only be able to receive a max of $150,000?)
5. Work ID
6. I would like the payment in the form of a check

Thank you once again. I will tell stories of your graciousness to my church community. God Bless.
Giacomo

I have a feeling things are going to heat up really quick! Stay tuned.

I received an email today from Mrs. Doris Udoh, a “Public Relations Officer” from the United Nations. She informed me that the United Nations has just passed a resolution allowing me to get back the money the was fradulently taking from me. I can receive a maximum of $150,000 back. Awesome! I’m excited. But wait, I wasn’t scammed… so am I still eligible for this payment?

This is to bring to your notice that our bank (FIDELITY BANK PLC ) is delegated by the ECOWAS/UNITED NATIONS in Central Bank to pay victims of scam $150,000 (One Hundred And Fifty Thousand Dollars Only). You are listed/approved for this payment as one of the scammed victims to be paid this amount.

In other to compensate victims, the ECOWAS/UNITED NATIONS is now paying victims of such scam $150,000(One Hundred And Fifty THOUSAND DOLLARS EACH) in accordance with the UNITED NATIONS recommendations. The payments are to be remitted by FIDELITY BANK PLC NIGERIA as corresponding paying bank under funding assistance by CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA. Benefactor of this compensation award will have to be first cleared by FIDELITY BANK and confirmed as a victim from Africa Scam before scam payment can be effected. We shall feed you with further modalities as soon as we get response from you on how you can receive your compensation payment award.

So what did I do? I wrote Mr. Osagie Dode an email saying I was elated that my I would be receiving my scam money back.

Dear Mr. Bode,
Thank heavens that you wrote me. I can’t believe I was scammed and I’m thrilled to hear of the United Nations helping me out. Please inform me of what I must do in order to receive my payment. Thank you very much. I look forward to working with you.

Sincerely,
Giacomo Connavecchellio

I don’t know if they’ll write me back or not… but it’s time they received a taste of their own medicine.